"we can never be like you, so we reduce you to simplicity. But you have sparks of divinity. you are married to infinity. We make you fear your imperfections but they are in fact the diamond of your being." ~Wirrow

This quote makes all the sense in the world to me. I feel like society covers up the fact that we are individuals and we should express  ourselves as such. Life is constantly shifting and shaping around us and every little thing defines who we are and how our lives will run. There is a reason for everything and the smallest change in your normal routine can change a lot. I'm constantly pushing to try new things and open my eyes to the world around me. I feel as though lately i have had my eyes shut to the outside world and i need to re-open them so my mind can begin branching out once again. Each day I'm thinking and the gears in my head are turning. I'm realizing larger goals of mine in life than getting honor role and getting a job. Now that iv completed these goals I realize how trivial they really are.
I'm focusing my attention to the bigger goals i have for my future, by thinking about college and what i want to do with my life. I'v wanted to always become a pilot. Although i have a lazy eye. To fly planes you need to have at least 20/25. When visiting an eye doctor back in october i was told nothing can be done to help it. The doctor i saw was a mall eycare center optometrist. Recently i made an appointment with an expensive specialist nearby. I want to see if Lasic is a possibility. If not I need to direct my attention to a more realistic dream.
As for other things, since my recent breakup I'v been recovering well. I realized that how bad he's been treating me. So i may be venting here a bit. I never got to know him well enough when i went out with him. I knew he had liked me while he was dating someone else. He used me to get out of that relationship with her. I only was hearing the part where he liked me. When he broke up with his Girlfriend he made it so i had to break up with my own boyfriend at the same time. It wasnt anything serious and im kind of thankful i got out of that relationship. Although he used to guilt trip me if i hung out with friends. Or he would get paranoid i was cheating on him all the time. It used to make me pretty upset. He always seemed close my best friend as well, he would always text her, give her rides, etc. When i got paranoid he would get mad because I didn't trust him. He used to always reassure me otherwise but then everytime i turned around he did something sketchy. I had little trust for him but i couldn't leave him. Eventually I had to tip-toe around him to keep from hurting him. So i never hung out with my friends and a lot of them stopped speaking to me. He was controlling. He drove me into a deppression. I stayed with him because i thought i could change him but i couldn't. He eventually left me because i was bringing him down. But he was the cause of it. 
He is definitely dating my best friend now. But I have moved on for sure. I'm a bit afraid of the decision iv made to commit myself into another relationship, but high school is too short and I don't wanna miss a chance of being with someone great because I'm afraid of being hurt again. He seems really great, and I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot. So i'v got my fingers crossed hoping that he'll treat me well and I'll be doing my best to treat him well. I really do not want to have a very sexual relationship. But that is what i told myself with the last. I guess it's only human to have urges to have sex. But if this guy likes me enough he'll respect my decisions and ideals. 
We're really only born with very few things that truly do belong to us. Our bodies, and our minds. One thing commonly forgotten is our virginity. To some people it's a big deal and to others it's not. For me i never thought it was ever something spiritual and amazing, only church-going boys and girls believe that. I knew that if i felt like someone could really understand me and respect me for who i am, then i could eventually be comfortable enough to share such an experience with them. Of course i always wanted that person to be special and upon losing it i really believed he was. When he changed his mind and was done with me i realized I wasn't hurt because i missed him, i was hurt because i realized i failed him, and i was foolish enough to believe i loved him and thought he really wanted to be with me forever.  Of course being fifteen I'm still young and naive and i'm sure that i would believe any guy who can sweet talk me.
I know that my body and mind are all i truly own, and my health is something i should be truly thankful for. I can't imagine going through life crippled or blind.. or anything like that. And when i think about these things I realize when the good things turn bad that I really have a lot to be glad for and that a bad breakup isn't the end, but just a new beginning to a new lifestyle and the possibility for someone new and maybe even better. 
Just means fate has other things in store for me.

My fears

Alright well I have already expressed some large fears of mine in my blog but I am most likely going to repeat them in here again because I am kind of just spitting out my thoughts here anyways so why not.
My last entry talked about my fear of being alone. That is most likely the biggest fear of mine. Thoughts always pass through my head like:
Will he leave me some day? Will i get married and will he fall in love with someone else? Why does he even care about me, what makes me better than all the rest to make him only want me?
I know I said that a relationship revolves around trust and if I truly love him like I say I do then i should trust him, but I can't help but ponder these things sometimes. Even if we don't stay together that long, I'll
......
While in the middle of writing this draft, i ended up stopping midway to go to bed. The next day my boyfriend brought me to a park in my town and broke up with me. At first i wanted to beg him back, and i tried. It was one of the most pathetic moments of my life. But it's been a little over a week now and Each day I'm growing stronger and more independent. I realize that I don't need a relationship to keep me happy, especially being my age, i can do so much and work so hard. With a boyfriend I'm being held back. I want to do great things out of high school, and i want to work on my writing and artistic skills.
I'm going to get my head in the right place and take life one step at a time. I find it ironic that i was writing about being alone before i stopped writing this. But I'm posting it none of the less

Alone.

No one likes being alone. whether it be alone at home, single, or just alone in life.
I think we all feel like we're on our own in the world some days especially when we are faced with a difficult situation. As an adolescent, some days my head feels like it's in this permanent mental fog. It seems like the world is throwing so much at us at once. At some times i just want to lay in bed all day and watch the clouds pass by from my window.
(and sometimes i really do)
I feel bored in life most of the time. Life right now just isn't taking me into a direction that's very exciting. I want to get out and experience new things, Be somewhere else, far from my humdrum town, just to feel what's it's like to be in someone completely different's shoes for a small amount of time. I'd like to get out of the same routine and break the habit of following that routine.
I want to just grow up so i can do more and have more freedom to do what i like. But when i look at it, the amount of misfortune society can cause is incredible. It scares me, kind of makes me want to live under my father's roof forever.
It's when these thoughts are running through my mind, that i begin to fear being alone. It's one thing that i haven't ever dealt with well. Even as a little kid, I never liked being alone. I was that stereotypical child that rather sleep in mommy and daddy's bed than my own. Even now being left home alone makes me uneasy and I don't rest well until i know everything is in right order. Also Like every girl, I want to have a healthy relationship with someone who can make me laugh when i'm down, hold my hand when the going gets rough, and stay up late talking about everything and anything. I don't think it's asking for too much, I don't need some kind of handsome man who can sweet talk me to no end. (although cheesy pick-up lines are the best) But even though I'm only 15, knowing there's a guy out there who will hold me and cares for me is just one of the most comforting feelings. Even if he's not right beside me at some times, I'm still at ease knowing there is someone.
Having a boyfriend older than you during high school is difficult though. You know it most likely won't last. When he gets out of school and goes to college or even starts working full time, the only thing you can do is just hope that the feelings you have for one another will work like glue and hold you together when  big changes begin happening. Although when I'm thinking about this i wonder if I will ever be with anyone else, and what they'll be like. But when I take a look into society I don't see many respectable male figures, who don't drink, do drugs or are just complete pigs. There are the select few who you'll meet who are truly decent people, but coming across them seems to be nearly impossible nowadays.

Teamwork

As easy as writing about sports could be I'm not writing about teamwork in a basketball team or anything like that. I'm writing about Dating and relationships.
I think the real meaning of being in a relationship is so overlooked nowadays, especially in high school. Nearly every day I see couples making out in the halls, fighting, and even girls crying in the bathroom. A lot of couples seem to have this big problem, they don't seem to communicate as much as they should. When they have a problem they just hold it in and let it bother them rather then talking it out with their significant other. It's a terrible thing to do because when they do fight it all comes out. If they talked about these problems before they could'v realized it was all a misunderstanding and the issue could've been resolved sooner. Or if it was a real problem it could have been either talked through or the couple could'v realized sooner that maybe things just weren't working out and they just need to end things. But because they don't do this it all comes out in a bigger more serious fight and could possibly end in a break up.
Nowadays I never see couple staying together, they "fall in love," get married, fight, and get divorced. If they don't get divorced, cheating is usually an issue.
I don't like the idea of marriage. Marriage is helpful when it comes to financial reasons, but I feel like I shouldn't need a big fancy wedding and a slip of paper to tell me that I want to be with someone forever. Seeing so many couples get divorced nowadays has been causing me to lose faith in love. I feel like if I'm going to potentially get divorced someday, why bother with the marriage. It saves a lot of money in the long run. It's not that I am afraid of commitment, I just feel like it's something that you both really need to want.
One thing I hate though is cheating on your partner. I just don't understand. If you'v lost enough feeling for someone to actually go out and do things with someone else then why stay with that person anymore. I personally hate it because my real mother cheated on my dad 3 times, and his new wife has cheated on him as well. I hate seeing my father upset. He is taken advantage of way too often. I love my mother and i always will of course but It hurts knowing she did and I don't want to become like her. The same goes with my stepmother as well. I think if your going to love someone so dearly, then you need to respect them, they are not there for you to mess around with when you want sex and you don't just have free access to their emotions that you can manipulate as you wish.
There needs to also be lots of trust. If you can't trust someone, you can't expect to get anywhere with them. Emotionally and physically.  I think trust plays the main role in a relationship and without it, a couple cannot function.

Teen Drama

Relationships. Drugs. Pressure.

It feel like teen years revolve around these things.

I would know because I'm living them as I write this out. I'm not going to complain about my teen problems on here, because it's simple. There is no need to complain about my issues because out there somewhere there is someone who has it much, much worse.

I feel like fighting out problems isn't the answer. But apologizing only makes you seem fake and weak in the eyes of most teens. Most boys seem to all get along for the most part. they either like someone or they don't and they make it known. 

Girls. They are truly something different. They are downright mean when they try.

If she is mature then she knows how to avoid drama. If shes' immature she goes out of her way to cause it. Those who want to cause it will make it unbearable for that girl who really just wants to fix the problem and move on.

I'v been in situations like these before, but i wouldn't say I'v been mature in every one of these, no one is right all the time. Life would be too easy and we'd never have mistakes to learn from if that were the case. It just comes down to that no one is perfect.

Facebook, aids teen drama. Most of it all begins there nowadays. 

he said. she said. what she did. what girl he was talking to. she posted that about her. etc.

Relationships are a big cause for it as well. Like i said I'm not perfect and i will admit i dated when i was only 13. If i was smarter i would have waited. I'm only 15 now so it's not a big stretch and i"m dating now.

Boys usually wanna date girls because they want to impress their friends. A very small handful, that do exist really just want to have a meaningful relationship or some are even smarter and realize they have bigger priorities than having a relationship. 

Girls are kind of the same way. Most see it as a status symbol. The more guys you have asking you out, the better that makes you apparently. But only the more attractive and confident girls usually feel that way. In most cases, less-attractive girls tend to be a lot sweeter and appreciate having a relationship more because they don't get as many opportunities or they know a good guy from a jerk.. 

But once again girls become more manipulative. They will try and steal guys from other girls to prove they are prettier and better than other girls. But in reality they may be hurting someone. I'm not saying all pretty girls are terrible, just most cocky girls are.

Another thing is drugs. We all got the peer pressure speech in health class in school so I'd just be repeating them by saying it here. I really don't think anyone is cool for smoking. There is nothing cool or attractive about intentionally hurting your body for pleasure. Even though most kids disregard what our teachers and parents tell us about drinking and smoking we soon realize that, they were usually right. But sometimes most kids who have tried it don't learn that soon enough.
In an ideal world, kids wouldn't worry about how they look, and how to impress the opposite gender. Middle school wouldn't have to be one of those things you just wanna close your eyes and run through.
Without struggle and mistakes though we would have nothing to learn from. so it seems like somedays there is no right or wrong answer on how to avoid teen drama.
What I'v learned though is to just try and avoid it. Be nice to someone, even though you do not think they deserve it, you wouldnt deserve it either if you dropped to their level. 

Day 2 on blogging

Well here I go again.
One thing that i wanna touch upon on my blog is religion. It has always been a very opinionated topic.
It's also something that is constantly on my mind. Questions often pass through my mind like
What happens when we die?
Will i just dream? Or will it be dark and thoughtless?
It's something that i fear the most. I know none of us want to die. But it's part of the cycle all of us living things go though. The only thing scarier then dying though is being lonely i guess. So i also guess in comparison dying doesn't seem so bad, if it means not being alone in the twilight of our lives. But its truly a selfish thought.

But as far as religion goes, I don't believe in a god at all. I used to have very strong catholic beliefs growing up. Although when my thoughts started becoming deeper, i realized how unrealistic the idea of god was. Instead I believe in a superior power. It's not a specific higher being that created all life today but rather the Universe itself. It's always changing and shifting, It's an infinite process that keeps on going. We, being the people on Earth are just a small part of that process.
Since I learned about Charles Darwin's theory on evolution it has changed my way of thinking completely. I actually like the Buddhist religion a lot. They do not worship a god.  It's almost like a lifestyle than a practice of religion. They meditate in search for enlightenment.
Well I don't meditate, but i am searching for the same thing. That being Enlightenment, or absolute truth basically. Different people have different opinions on what it is. Most want to live eternally, including myself. I don't mean living to be a million, but to make myself known through my actions and what I'v done. I'm not going to go out and become a public speaker or find a cure for a major disease, but since I'm going to die someday i am not going to let myself become unknown when i do. I plan to live eternally through my family. I am going to do my best to have children and raise them to become proper members of society. I want to leave a piece of myself with them, so that hopefully when they have children it will be passed along to them.
I am scared when it comes to raising my child. Like any parent i'm just afraid to see them get hurt in the world we live in today. weather its heartbreak from a boy or girl at school, falling off the swing, or even seeing them lose someone important to death's hands. I lost my mother at a young age, so I just want to make sure my kids don't have to go through the same heartache and have to grow up without a real mother figure. Although the best i could do is teach them right from wrong and hope they make the right decisions.

So I'm new to this.

Well, I'm young but I believe I'm making the wise decision of wiping away "Facebook" from my life. Many people around me have been hurt, bullied and even have had their relationships meddled with due to Facebook. I personally have never had a problem like this on the site, but i wanna see if i can make communication outside of Facebook work again. We made it work before Myspace and Facebook were invented. why not now? I have never blogged before about my opinions and ideals but i feel now is a good time to do so. This is a new start for me and the first step away from the social networking scene so I am not entirely sure how this even works. If anyone reads this and can take sympathy on a poor computer illiterate girl I would appreciate some advice.