"There is over 100,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body. That's enough to stretch halfway to the moon. The human heart has to be strong enough to pump blood through those vessels 24/7. But just know my hearts also strong enough to love you to the moon and back." -me
 So being young is complicated. I am so scared of where I'm going in life. I'm making the bold decision of applying for early enrollment next year, so that i can spend my senior year in in college. I'm scared as hell but i won't let anyone know that. I'm crazy about this guy I'm dating. But i fear for our near future when he graduates.

My interpretation

So everyone has a theory of "the meaning of life"
I guess I never had truly thought about it really. I'v always veiwed life as the longest thing we'll ever do, the present, the future, and even the past. It's just been one of those things I'v never truly cared about because we only get one life so we're supposed to live it right?
Well when this meaning comes to mind it usually is supposed to be some big secret. But i think I guess the answer is kind of there in facts.
The saying "Peace, Love, and Happiness" does kind of sum it up.
We live in a mutual sort of peace with everything around us, or we're supposed to be. We produce carbon dioxide that plants, trees, grass and more take in to make food for themselves. In return they make and put out oxygen which we breath, make fires with to keep us warm, To cook and more. And since, technically being animals, we are also vital to keeping the food chain in balance, weather we're decreasing an overgrown population by using for food or conserving one that is dying. So we need to keep that balance which makes up that "peace" category.
And we're supposed to fall in love, I believe its a natural born right to be fond of someone enough to want to always be around them and procreate. We need to make children to keep that balance. We need to make loving or non-loving human relationships whether it's with our parents, siblings, best friend, teachers, or significant other. By feeling close to someone and being wanted we are happy, and it keeps us sane. We're going to hurt a lot through our lives, but we're also going to love a lot too and it's the one thing we can do to make it through those hard times. For those with no hope for that upside to life I'm sure there is someone or something they truly love, weather its a person, an animal, a materialistic item or just they may even love being alone.
Then Happiness is something that must be conserved and cherished. It's the hope we have in hard situations. When things are rough we want it, we need it. When your upset it's easy to lose any optimism that you have. I find that wallowing in misery will only make you worse, its hard to think positive when things are so bad but you realize when things look up again you were silly to think all the bad would last forever. Anything can happen. We are just a speck of dust in the giant eye of the universe. We're shifting and every day will change something. We become wiser and older with each moment and one day we will die, but not without experiencing the beauty of what the world can bring.

Been A while

I hope i hope I am not losing my writing motivation.
Life is progressing, in a positive way! Recently I was left with anxiety and fear of being hurt with my last relationship. My current Boyfriend must be driven crazy by my constant accusations. But It's surely not something I am able to help. It's hard to trust anyone really nowadays, all the cheating and lying and hiding had made me realize how real the world really is. My father has been gone every night and things have been a little rough, but I'v been going to counseling to help me through this all. I always told myself I didn't need it but I'v found it as sort of a push and help to improve my lifestyle.
Though above all the constant nonsense my goals and priorities are still in place and I am still striving and working hard to reach them.
I'v got the good grades, the great relationship, a decent paying job, I'm nearly half done with my drivers education and learning to drive now and then all I have to do is wait to see where that takes me next. Things are starting to fall on the right track and I feel like the venting to my unread blog can stop.
I really adore the guy I am dating, I can't say we've ever fought, just the occasional need of reassurance I need from him on occasion. He is so talented and sometimes I hardly believe there's much for me to do to impress him, but I'm still trying to find ways to.
I'm constantly trying to find what I want to do with the rest of my life. Although when I do find what that is I know that's when i really need to work hard at achieving and maybe that will impress him, Especially if this "love" is what we say it is and we make it far enough for me to show him. I don't only want to just impress my boyfriend though but my dad too. He is hardly around now that he's love-struck and off with his new girlfriend all the time. I do everything in my power to grab his attention and show him what I'm capable of. I think as a 16 year old girl he underestimates how hard I can work and the range of feelings and emotions I can possess. I believe though if i work hard and not mess up I can really Go where I want and when I manage to become successful and happy that will really make him happy.

"we can never be like you, so we reduce you to simplicity. But you have sparks of divinity. you are married to infinity. We make you fear your imperfections but they are in fact the diamond of your being." ~Wirrow

This quote makes all the sense in the world to me. I feel like society covers up the fact that we are individuals and we should express  ourselves as such. Life is constantly shifting and shaping around us and every little thing defines who we are and how our lives will run. There is a reason for everything and the smallest change in your normal routine can change a lot. I'm constantly pushing to try new things and open my eyes to the world around me. I feel as though lately i have had my eyes shut to the outside world and i need to re-open them so my mind can begin branching out once again. Each day I'm thinking and the gears in my head are turning. I'm realizing larger goals of mine in life than getting honor role and getting a job. Now that iv completed these goals I realize how trivial they really are.
I'm focusing my attention to the bigger goals i have for my future, by thinking about college and what i want to do with my life. I'v wanted to always become a pilot. Although i have a lazy eye. To fly planes you need to have at least 20/25. When visiting an eye doctor back in october i was told nothing can be done to help it. The doctor i saw was a mall eycare center optometrist. Recently i made an appointment with an expensive specialist nearby. I want to see if Lasic is a possibility. If not I need to direct my attention to a more realistic dream.
As for other things, since my recent breakup I'v been recovering well. I realized that how bad he's been treating me. So i may be venting here a bit. I never got to know him well enough when i went out with him. I knew he had liked me while he was dating someone else. He used me to get out of that relationship with her. I only was hearing the part where he liked me. When he broke up with his Girlfriend he made it so i had to break up with my own boyfriend at the same time. It wasnt anything serious and im kind of thankful i got out of that relationship. Although he used to guilt trip me if i hung out with friends. Or he would get paranoid i was cheating on him all the time. It used to make me pretty upset. He always seemed close my best friend as well, he would always text her, give her rides, etc. When i got paranoid he would get mad because I didn't trust him. He used to always reassure me otherwise but then everytime i turned around he did something sketchy. I had little trust for him but i couldn't leave him. Eventually I had to tip-toe around him to keep from hurting him. So i never hung out with my friends and a lot of them stopped speaking to me. He was controlling. He drove me into a deppression. I stayed with him because i thought i could change him but i couldn't. He eventually left me because i was bringing him down. But he was the cause of it. 
He is definitely dating my best friend now. But I have moved on for sure. I'm a bit afraid of the decision iv made to commit myself into another relationship, but high school is too short and I don't wanna miss a chance of being with someone great because I'm afraid of being hurt again. He seems really great, and I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot. So i'v got my fingers crossed hoping that he'll treat me well and I'll be doing my best to treat him well. I really do not want to have a very sexual relationship. But that is what i told myself with the last. I guess it's only human to have urges to have sex. But if this guy likes me enough he'll respect my decisions and ideals. 
We're really only born with very few things that truly do belong to us. Our bodies, and our minds. One thing commonly forgotten is our virginity. To some people it's a big deal and to others it's not. For me i never thought it was ever something spiritual and amazing, only church-going boys and girls believe that. I knew that if i felt like someone could really understand me and respect me for who i am, then i could eventually be comfortable enough to share such an experience with them. Of course i always wanted that person to be special and upon losing it i really believed he was. When he changed his mind and was done with me i realized I wasn't hurt because i missed him, i was hurt because i realized i failed him, and i was foolish enough to believe i loved him and thought he really wanted to be with me forever.  Of course being fifteen I'm still young and naive and i'm sure that i would believe any guy who can sweet talk me.
I know that my body and mind are all i truly own, and my health is something i should be truly thankful for. I can't imagine going through life crippled or blind.. or anything like that. And when i think about these things I realize when the good things turn bad that I really have a lot to be glad for and that a bad breakup isn't the end, but just a new beginning to a new lifestyle and the possibility for someone new and maybe even better. 
Just means fate has other things in store for me.

My fears

Alright well I have already expressed some large fears of mine in my blog but I am most likely going to repeat them in here again because I am kind of just spitting out my thoughts here anyways so why not.
My last entry talked about my fear of being alone. That is most likely the biggest fear of mine. Thoughts always pass through my head like:
Will he leave me some day? Will i get married and will he fall in love with someone else? Why does he even care about me, what makes me better than all the rest to make him only want me?
I know I said that a relationship revolves around trust and if I truly love him like I say I do then i should trust him, but I can't help but ponder these things sometimes. Even if we don't stay together that long, I'll
......
While in the middle of writing this draft, i ended up stopping midway to go to bed. The next day my boyfriend brought me to a park in my town and broke up with me. At first i wanted to beg him back, and i tried. It was one of the most pathetic moments of my life. But it's been a little over a week now and Each day I'm growing stronger and more independent. I realize that I don't need a relationship to keep me happy, especially being my age, i can do so much and work so hard. With a boyfriend I'm being held back. I want to do great things out of high school, and i want to work on my writing and artistic skills.
I'm going to get my head in the right place and take life one step at a time. I find it ironic that i was writing about being alone before i stopped writing this. But I'm posting it none of the less

Alone.

No one likes being alone. whether it be alone at home, single, or just alone in life.
I think we all feel like we're on our own in the world some days especially when we are faced with a difficult situation. As an adolescent, some days my head feels like it's in this permanent mental fog. It seems like the world is throwing so much at us at once. At some times i just want to lay in bed all day and watch the clouds pass by from my window.
(and sometimes i really do)
I feel bored in life most of the time. Life right now just isn't taking me into a direction that's very exciting. I want to get out and experience new things, Be somewhere else, far from my humdrum town, just to feel what's it's like to be in someone completely different's shoes for a small amount of time. I'd like to get out of the same routine and break the habit of following that routine.
I want to just grow up so i can do more and have more freedom to do what i like. But when i look at it, the amount of misfortune society can cause is incredible. It scares me, kind of makes me want to live under my father's roof forever.
It's when these thoughts are running through my mind, that i begin to fear being alone. It's one thing that i haven't ever dealt with well. Even as a little kid, I never liked being alone. I was that stereotypical child that rather sleep in mommy and daddy's bed than my own. Even now being left home alone makes me uneasy and I don't rest well until i know everything is in right order. Also Like every girl, I want to have a healthy relationship with someone who can make me laugh when i'm down, hold my hand when the going gets rough, and stay up late talking about everything and anything. I don't think it's asking for too much, I don't need some kind of handsome man who can sweet talk me to no end. (although cheesy pick-up lines are the best) But even though I'm only 15, knowing there's a guy out there who will hold me and cares for me is just one of the most comforting feelings. Even if he's not right beside me at some times, I'm still at ease knowing there is someone.
Having a boyfriend older than you during high school is difficult though. You know it most likely won't last. When he gets out of school and goes to college or even starts working full time, the only thing you can do is just hope that the feelings you have for one another will work like glue and hold you together when  big changes begin happening. Although when I'm thinking about this i wonder if I will ever be with anyone else, and what they'll be like. But when I take a look into society I don't see many respectable male figures, who don't drink, do drugs or are just complete pigs. There are the select few who you'll meet who are truly decent people, but coming across them seems to be nearly impossible nowadays.

Teamwork

As easy as writing about sports could be I'm not writing about teamwork in a basketball team or anything like that. I'm writing about Dating and relationships.
I think the real meaning of being in a relationship is so overlooked nowadays, especially in high school. Nearly every day I see couples making out in the halls, fighting, and even girls crying in the bathroom. A lot of couples seem to have this big problem, they don't seem to communicate as much as they should. When they have a problem they just hold it in and let it bother them rather then talking it out with their significant other. It's a terrible thing to do because when they do fight it all comes out. If they talked about these problems before they could'v realized it was all a misunderstanding and the issue could've been resolved sooner. Or if it was a real problem it could have been either talked through or the couple could'v realized sooner that maybe things just weren't working out and they just need to end things. But because they don't do this it all comes out in a bigger more serious fight and could possibly end in a break up.
Nowadays I never see couple staying together, they "fall in love," get married, fight, and get divorced. If they don't get divorced, cheating is usually an issue.
I don't like the idea of marriage. Marriage is helpful when it comes to financial reasons, but I feel like I shouldn't need a big fancy wedding and a slip of paper to tell me that I want to be with someone forever. Seeing so many couples get divorced nowadays has been causing me to lose faith in love. I feel like if I'm going to potentially get divorced someday, why bother with the marriage. It saves a lot of money in the long run. It's not that I am afraid of commitment, I just feel like it's something that you both really need to want.
One thing I hate though is cheating on your partner. I just don't understand. If you'v lost enough feeling for someone to actually go out and do things with someone else then why stay with that person anymore. I personally hate it because my real mother cheated on my dad 3 times, and his new wife has cheated on him as well. I hate seeing my father upset. He is taken advantage of way too often. I love my mother and i always will of course but It hurts knowing she did and I don't want to become like her. The same goes with my stepmother as well. I think if your going to love someone so dearly, then you need to respect them, they are not there for you to mess around with when you want sex and you don't just have free access to their emotions that you can manipulate as you wish.
There needs to also be lots of trust. If you can't trust someone, you can't expect to get anywhere with them. Emotionally and physically.  I think trust plays the main role in a relationship and without it, a couple cannot function.